Togami's Pointless Walk
by Skitty The Neko
Summary: Togami goes on a walk and accidentally marries Naegi (aka a crack fic I wrote to get rid of writer's block that literally makes no sense I am so sorry) There's swearing btw


**I apologize in advance for this.**

Once upon a time, there was a man named Togami. He was the prince of the land of Gummi Bears, but he hated the king Gummi Bear, Monokuma. He wasn't even his father, just some guy who decided that he wanted a son and adopted him. Also he was an actual bear. It took Togami about five seconds to realize he was adopted.

"Tell Monokuma or the king or whatever that idiot wants to be called that I'm going for a walk!" Togami shouted at one of the guards (who was dressed as a gummy bear), leaving the palace. He walked down the street and decided to take a walk through the woods because I don't know. Anyway, he was walking when he heard a scream, and then a boy fell out of a tree onto his face.

"What." Togami said, looking down at the brunette.  
"I-I am going to rob you!" He shouted, pushing himself up and pointing a sword at Togami.

"You don't have to rob me, I'll just throw money at you." Togami said, taking a stack of hundred dollar bills out of his pocket and making it rain.

"What." The brunette said, watching the money fall on the ground. "How much money do you even have?"

"A lot."

"Where does this all come from?" He asked, catching a bill out of the air.

"I'm the prince."

"Dude, you're wearing a crown made of solid gold. That's why I was trying to rob you. You know how this is supposed to work, right? Like, you aren't supposed to just throw money at me. We're supposed to fight or something. I think."

"Have you ever even robbed anyone before?"

"Um… Sort of? I stole candy from a little girl once and barely survived."

"Cool. I don't want to have to bother with you because I'm walking for no good reason so just take my money and gtfo."

"Oh, cool." He said, picking up the money and putting it in his bag. "I'm Naegi, by the way."  
"I don't care." Togami said, walking around him and continuing his pointless walk.

About five minutes later, he encountered a bridge. The troll under the bridge who totally wasn't Ibuki crawled out and stared at him.

"Are you going to let me cross, or…?" Togami said impatiently, tapping his foot.

"Yeah, yeah, you've got to answer my riddle first." She said. "Who's a total dick that everyone hates and wants to punch in the face?"

"You." Togami said.

"No! The answer is Byakuya Togami!" Ibuki screamed, pointing at him. "Now I will kill you with this conveniently placed gun!" She picked up a gun off the ground.

"This story is set in like the medieval times why the everloving cheese do you have a gun"

"Because I do." Ibuki aimed the gun, but she didn't get to shoot the gun because Naegi fell out of a tree and she dropped it.  
"What." Ibuki said.

"I am here to save you!" Naegi cried, pushing himself off the ground. "The only people who make it past the troll are those are smart enough to get past their own ego! The answer is always yourself." Naegi explained, turning to the troll. "I want to cross."

"Okay, here's your riddle. Who screams like a bitch?"

Naegi sighed. "Me."

"Correct!" Ibuki sang. "I'll let you and this asshole go to the other side of the bridge!"

Naegi thanked her and dragged Togami across the bridge. "You need to learn to be careful in the woods." He said.

"I am Byakuya Togami."  
"I know."

"Anyways, as thanks for stopping that weird cone thing from shooting me, you get to walk with me for a while." Togami said, starting to walk again.  
"Wait!" Naegi shouted. "That's the trap that leads to the Place That No One Wants To Go!"

But it was too late. They both fell down the chute into the Place That No One Wants To Go. Naegi screamed and Togami crossed his arms in annoyance. How dare this tunnel to the Place That No One Wants To Go interrupt his walk!

Finally, after about thirty seconds of Naegi screaming and Togami muttering how much he hated dark tunnels that led to the Place That No One Wants To Go, they finally fell out of the tunnel into what looked like a throne room.

"Cool! Two other idiots landed in the Place That No One Wants To Go!" The guy on the throne shouted.

Togami stood up. "Who the hell are you? You look like you're seven."

"No! My name is Kuzuryuu, and this is the Place That No One Wants To Go!"  
"But why doesn't anyone want to go here?" Togami asked.

Naegi shrugged. "Probably because of this guy. I don't really know. Everyone just says, 'don't go to the Place That No One Wants To Go! No one wants to go there!'"

"I kind of got that from the title."

"Okay, so here's the deal." Kuzuryuu said. "I ran out of money for candy, so give me all the money you have and then you can leave. Unless it's not enough money, and then I'll feed you to the Thingy."  
"The what?" Togami asked.

"The Thingy." Kuzuryuu repeated. "Honestly, I don't have the slightest idea what that thing is, so we call it the Thingy."

"Cool." Togami said. "So how much money do we need to pay you?"  
"Two million dollars."  
"Oh, really? Jeez, you could've just asked." Togami said, pulling more money out of his pocket and making it rain again.  
"Where is this money coming from?!" Naegi shouted.

Kuzuryuu just looked surprised. "Hey, Peko, come count this money!" A girl with silver hair walked over and counted the money. Five minutes later, she stood up and looked at him.

"The total is three million dollars!"

Kuzuryuu fell off his throne. "WHAT." He said.

Peko picked him up and put him back on his throne.

"Anyways, you guys paid the money, so we won't feed you to the Thingy." Kuzuryuu said. "Peko, show them the exit."

So then they left.

"Wow, Togami!" Naegi said once they were out of the Place That No One Wants To Go. "That was amazing! I don't think anyone's ever made it out of the Place That No One Wants To Go alive!"

"I am amazing." He said in response. "It's a fact of life. Anyway, I'm bored. I'm going home. Bye loser."

"Bye Togami!"

So Togami left the woods and went back to the Gummi Bear castle. Somehow he had kept his crown on the entire time.

As he entered the palace, he realized right away something was wrong. There was a carriage parked out front, and Monokuma was talking to someone.

"Oh, Togami, my son!" Monokuma said.

"I'm not your son. You're a bear."

"That's racist."

There was an awkward silence.

"Anyways, I found this princess for you to marry! Her name's Fukawa!" Monokuma gestured to a girl in the corner with her hair in braids.

"No." Togami said.

"What? You have to! Or else I'll take away your money and you won't be able to make it rain!"

Togami was shocked. Would he really do that?! "No, it's just that I… Uh… I already found a wife."

"Oh, really? Cool. Go get her and come back within two hours and you don't have to marry Fukawa."

"Cool, brb." Togami said, leaving the castle. Thankfully, the genius mind of Byakuya Togami had come up with a plan to escape the hell marriage.

He walked back to the woods and took a few steps in. Naegi fell out of a tree. "I am going to rob-! Oh, it's you." Naegi said, realizing Togami was back. "What's up?"

"You aren't a very threatening robber." Togami said bluntly.

"Yeah, I know."

"Anyways, I gave you a ton of money a few hours ago, right?"

"Um… Yeah?"

"Consider that payment. I need you to marry me."

"What."

"Not for real, just so I can get out of marrying some random girl I just met today."

"You just met me today. Besides, don't you need a _wife_?"

"Yeah, you'll do just fine. Anyway, we can like, fake your death in a month or something."

Naegi looked kind of pissed.

"I'll pay you."

"Deal."

So Togami made Naegi look like a girl, and tried to chop his ahoge off, but the scissors broke when he tried so he gave up and just let it stay. Then he brought Naegi back to the castle.

"This is the girl I'm going to marry." Togami said, placing Naegi in front of Monokuma.

"Cool." Monokuma said, and then turned to Fukawa. "Gtfo." He said and opened a chute beneath her. She fell down it.

"Where does that lead to?" Naegi asked.

"The Place That No One Wants To Go." Monokuma replied. "Anyway, what's your name?" He asked Naegi.

"Uh… Makoto Naegi…?"  
"Cool. Let's get you guys married."

So they got married really quickly and Naegi wasn't really sure why he agreed to this is the first place.

"Okay, great. Thanks." Togami said. "So now we can fake your death in a couple weeks and I'll pay you. Everyone wins."  
"Great."

Unfortunately, they had paid off Kuzuryuu enough that he didn't need any money, so he didn't feed Fukawa to the Thingy and let her go. Fukawa was seriously pissed that she didn't get to marry Togami, so she hatched a plan for revenge.

Two weeks later, when Togami and Naegi were planning Naegi's fake death, Fukawa broke into the castle and went up to their room.

"I am going to murder you." She said to Naegi. "No girl steals my prince!"  
"But I'm a guy."

There was a _very_ awkward silence.

"So are you gay?" Monokuma asked, poking his head out of the ceiling.

"AUGH! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!" Togami screamed, pointing at the bear.

"I dunno, actually. So Naegi's a dude?"

"I am so done." Naegi said, walking out onto the balcony. "Screw this, I took your money, now I'm leaving."

"By jumping off the balcony?!" Fukawa shrieked.

"Yeah." Naegi jumped off the balcony. For a second, everyone thought he just killed himself, but a quick glance over the balcony disproved that. Naegi was running from the palace with a girl with lavender hair.

"God damn it." Togami said. "Do I have to marry Fukawa?"

"Nah." Monokuma said and dropped Fukawa into the Place That No One Wants To Go again. "I'm over it. Just don't marry another cross dresser."

"Cool." Togami said.

"So, you aren't actually going to feed me to the Thingy, right?" Fukawa asked Kuzuryuu.

"Actually, I ran out of money again. Do you have two million dollars?"

"...No…?"

"Peko, feed her to the Thingy."

'HOW DID YOU EVEN SPEND THREE MILLION DOLLARS THAT QUICKLY?!" Fukawa screamed as Peko tossed her into the Thingy's mouth. And they all lived happily ever after.

The end.

 **what the actual hell did I just write**

 **okay so I wrote this because I had writer's block. I turned on the Gummy Bear song on repeat and I was like "I am not going to turn it off until I write a story."**

 **This was the end result. I think I'm on the brink of insanity from that song. Don't kill me.**


End file.
